Jokes

The tax office decides to audit Paddy,and summons him to an appointment with the most thorough officer in the office. The officer is not surprised when Paddy shows up with his solicitor. The officer says, "Well sir, you have an extravagent life style and no full time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the tax dept finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Paddy."How about a demonstration?" The officer thinks for a moment and says, "Ok you're on!" Paddy says, "I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye". The officer thinks for a moment and says, "No way! it's a bet" Paddy removes his glass eye and bites it. The officer's jaw drops.

Paddy says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite my other eye" The officer can tell that Paddy isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Paddy removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned officer now realises he has bet and lost three thousand quid, with Paddy's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous. "Would you like to go double or nothing?" Paddy asks.
"I'll bet you six thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that rubbish bin on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between"

The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there is no way Paddy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Paddy stands besides the desk and unzips his trousers, but although he strains like hell, he can't make the stream reach the bin on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the officer's desk. The officer leaps with joy, realising that he has just turned a major loss into a big win.

Paddy's solicitor moans and puts his head into his hands. "Are you ok?" the officer asks.

"Not really," says the solicitors. "This morning, when Paddy told me he had been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand pounds that he could come in here and piss all over your desk - and that you would be happy about it !!"

http://www.free-stuff-uk.net/

Villager: It was 'ere that Catherine of aragon was bitten by a mad dog.
Tourist: Tudor?
Villager: Yes, chewed 'er something 'orrible it did

How many police officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.

Where do shellfish go to borrow money ?
To the prawn broker !

Which fish can perform operations ?
A Sturgeon !

Why did the whale cross the road ?
To get to the other tide !

What fish goes up the river at 100mph ?
A motor pike !

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied, "No." "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."
. . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T

A boy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him andsaid, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The boy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, 'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the boy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The boy said, "Look, I'm a software engineer, I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

A young pet monkey had an accident and needed a brain transplant. The veterinarian told the monkey's human family, "Brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the family.
"For a male brain, £500,000. For a female brain, £200,000," replied the vet.
All the men in the family nodded because they thought they understood. But the mother was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"
"Standard pricing practice," said the vet. "The female brains have to be marked down because they’ve actually been used!".

Q: Why did the bunny eat the wedding ring?
A: Because he heard it was 18 carrots!

Another?

A man was driving along one day and he hit a rabbit. Feeling terrible he stopped and got out of the car to see if it was badly hurt. To his dismay, the rabbit was dead. Unsure what to do, the man runs to the nearest building, which happens to be a salon. He says to the hairdresser, "I've just hit and killed a rabbit in the middle of the road! What should I do?" The hairstylist thinks a moment, then says "I think I have just the thing." He grabs a few bottles from a shelf and runs out to the rabbit. Opening the bottles, he poured the contents onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit jumps up, shakes itself, looks around, then hops of. It went a few feet, then turned and waved, went a few more feet, then turned and waved again. This odd behavior continued until the rabbit was out of sight. The man looked and the Hairdresser in amazement and says, "Wow! What did you do?" "Oh," the stylist responded, " I gave it a hair revitalizing with a wave!"

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?'

A lonely female crab was walking down the beach one evening when she noticed a male crab coming towards her—but he was walking straight and not sideways!

Impressed by his talent, she decided to marry him immediately.

The next morning she noticed him walking sideways like any ordinary crab! She asked, "What happened? Yesterday you were able to walk straight!"

He answered "What?! I can't get that drunk every day!"

A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

"What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.

"Perhaps you didn't notice sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."

"Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

Jill: You remind me of the sea.
Jack: Because I'm wild, unpredictable and romantic?
Jill: No, because you make me sick.

What do you get when you cross a Pit Bull with Lassie?
A dog that rips your leg off and then runs for help!

http://www.free-stuff-uk.net/

If it itches, you can reach it. And no matter where it itches, no one will be offended if you scratch it in public.

No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

No one thinks less of you for passing gas. Some people might actually think you're cute.

Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

What kind of lettuce was served on the Titanic?
Iceberg.

Danny: My year of psychoanalysis was a complete failure!
Sandy: Aren't you cured?
Danny: That depends on what you call a cure. A year ago I was Julius Caesar, now I'm a nobody.

A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean £200?"

One night after closing time a bar owner was finishing clearing up, when a spectral hound floats in through the door. The bar owner is scared, but asks him what he wants.
The phantom hound explains, 'I've lost my tail and cannot rest until a kindly bar owner stitches it back on.'
'Sorry,' said the bar owner, 'but we don't re-tail spirits at this time of night.