Jokes

A man was walking through a cemetery one dark and stormy night. As he got well into the cemetery, he heard a voice say, "Mark! Mark!". Pretending not to let it bother him, he pulled his coat a little tighter and kept walking. Again the voice said, "Mark! Mark!". That did it. He took off full speed and didn't stop till he was well outside the gates. As he stopped to catch his breath, the moon broke through the clouds enough so he could see what had been following him. It was a dog with a hare lip.

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'
Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?

"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."

'Grandad, do you know how to croak?'
I don't think so, James, why?"
'Because Dad says he'll be rich when you do.'

A woman got on a bus with seven children. The bus conductor asked: 'Are these all yours lady? Or is it a picnic?'
'They're all mine,' she replied. 'And it's no picnic!

A father was talking to his son. 'Now listen, my boy, from now on you do your own home-work. I'm not going to do any more for you - it's not right.' 'I know.' said the boy. 'but have a shot at it just the same.

Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.

Consciousness - the time between naps

Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.

Justice - a decision in your favor.

There was this car that was driving very slowly down the highway. A State Trooper pulls it over. "What have I done wrong, officer?" the driver asks.
"You are going 26mph on a major highway. There is a law against that," the officer says to the driver. "You must go at least 50mph."
"But when I turned on the highway, the sign said 26!" the driver replies.
"HA HA HA!" The officer laughs out loud. "That is because this is Interstate 26! The 26 isn't the speed limit!"
The driver leans back in her car seat and the cop sees another woman sitting beside her. She looked as pale as a ghost.
"What happened to her?" the officer asks.
"I don't know, but she has been that way ever since we got off of interstate 160."

A famous soccer player parked his brand new porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop.
About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car."
"Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player.
"No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"

I used to dress off the peg, but now my neighbours take in their washing at night.

There has been a theft at Euro Disney. A man has been charged with taking the Mickey.

Antique Shop
A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "when I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, but I can't sell you that."
"Why not asked the customer?"
"Because that's my husband."

Wedding Joke
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

Man In Bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiosity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home.

Quick Jokes

What do you call a chicken in a shell suit?
An egg.

I was out drinking in a bar last night and a woodworm asked me: "Is the bar tender here?

Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross again?
He wanted to be a dirty double crosser.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the park???
A: To get to the other slide.

A pie walks into a bar and asks the bar owner if he can have a pint of beer and a packet of crisps. The bar owner replies and says, sorry we don’t serve food.

What is:
peck, peck, peck, BANG, peck, peck, peck BANG??
A chicken in a minefield...

I love this one

A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer. As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'. The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from. A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.' The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.
The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'

Hole In The Fence

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Billy's Dad

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"

Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."

"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."

"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"

Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?".